Why "checking in" Isn't Enough
Unless you’ve been living on a mountain with no access to the outside world, it’s likely that you’re very aware the recent suicides in the news. The tragic celebrity deaths bring attention to the issue of mental health and suicide. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade are the most recent, most visible losses. But so many more suffer losses outside of what you see on the news. Hundreds of people every day lose a loved one to suicide.
We live in a reactionary culture: an event happens, people get stirred up, people voice their opinions about what needs to change, and the dust settles while we move on with our lives. Your news feed is likely clogged with these reactions. Everything from opinions about the state of mental healthcare in America to quotes from the celebrities who’ve died to inspirational sayings about the importance of connecting with people who are struggling. One popular saying is about checking in with your loved ones even if they seem happy/successful/content. We even posted it to our Instagram account. It’s a great reminder. It’s so important. And it’s not enough.
It’s not enough to ask someone how they are. Be honest – when you ask someone how they are, what answer are you looking for? When someone asks you how you are, what answer do you feel pressured to give? My guess is that it goes something like this:
“Hi, how ya doing”
“Oh, pretty good. Can’t complain. How are you?”
“Good. Same old, same old. Take it easy!”
In this fast-paced world, checking in is a check box. Something you can say you’ve done. A task on your to-do list.
What good is a check-in if you’re not prepared to hear the answer? Prepared to hear the truth about how that person is doing. Able to sit with that person if they say, “I appreciate you asking. I’m actually not doing that great”. That probably feels very foreign to most. The idea of telling someone how you REALLY are. Our society doesn’t really support it. So often, we follow the script. Living in the script is how someone can feel lonely even though they are surrounded by people.
If you suspect someone you know is struggling, get unscripted! Please, do check-in! Check in and allow yourself to really hear them. You don’t have to feel pressure to say anything to make them feel better. You don’t have to know the answers. Being a witness is enough. And if things feel out of your comfort zone, say that! Stating the obvious is a great strategy. “I’m worried about you. I want to help but I don’t know how. Can I help you find a therapist to talk to”, etc. Whatever feels right and natural for you is the exact right thing to say.
The sad reality is that suicides happen and it’s a tragedy every single time. It’s not about blame. It’s not about pointing the finger or being responsible for another person’s actions. Lack of checking in does not cause a suicide to happen.
But here’s what shifts by asking someone how they are and being ready to hear the honest response: we reduce stigma, we enhance connection, we relieve loneliness. And you never know what that can mean for a person who is feeling stigmatized, disconnected, and lonely.
Be well!
